Author: A cBell Central Original
Date Published: 05.01.2001
Description: Do you live in or near Brewster, OH? If so, you might want to take a look at these excellent safety tips.
- Do not live in Brewster
- Do not chew gum in Brewster
- Do not carry lethal weapons or chemicals in Brewster
- Do not sleep in a box within the city limits of Brewster
- Do not pull small children in a wagon that is attached to a fast moving combine on Main Street.
- Do not lick frozen flag poles unless your name begins with a T (first or last) and you are not a resident of Brewster
- Do not pet stray dogs and cats unless you are able to say “Here Kitty Kitty/Doggy Doggy (choose appropriate saying)” and the animal comes to you and appears as if it is not going to bite you or attack you in any way, and if the animal does not have the words “I have rabies” painted on its fur, and the dog is within the city limits of Brewster
- Do not use the words “Take a bite out of Rabies” in Brewster (*Clearing of Throat*)
- Do not talk to “strange” Tony, who lives within the city limits of Brewster
- Do not allow small children to impersonate the funny shananigans of Billy Wissman, who used to live wihin the city limits of Brewster
- Do not sit on thumbtacks while driving through Brewster
- An addendum to #11 — You may sit on thumbtacks while driving through Brewster, if you attain the appropriate permit and are over the age of 33.6
- If you, and only you have 2.2 children and are dressed like a clown, you will be asked to leave the city of Brewster, as we consider you a threat to our safety.
- If while driving through the city of Brewster, you realize that you should be in the city of Wilmot, do not instantly turn your car around as if you are escorting a secret dignitary and he has been shot and you need to get out of the area in a hurry. Simply
pull into the Shell station and turn around there. - Last but not least, If you are to print out this official list of Safety tips, please handle with care, as you may get a paper cut very easily.